As I mentioned at the end of mass week, I had a brush with death at a traffic light. Thanks to the grace of God I was fine, even though the parish car is not. Any near death experience is a wake up call. In the story of the Prodigal Son, the younger son is described as “coming to himself” as he realised the magnitude of his foolishness. He had a moment of insight or clarity about himself, his priorities and his life situation. He used his moment of insight to change his life, to go back home, to restore relationships with those he had left behind.
Many people who have such experiences change career track, end toxic relationships, repair broken ones. There is the realisation that whatever time lies ahead is a gift which can’t be taken for granted, and that we may not want to spend the rest of our lives doing what we have been doing. This moment of clarity is a great gift to us, and we should use it wisely. We should reflect on who we are, and who we want to be. We should not rush into decisions, but also not be afraid to make decisions. An Australian palliative care nurse called Bronnie Ware reported that the top five regrets of the dying were:
- I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. “This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.”
- I wish I hadn’t worked so hard. “This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.”
- I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings. “Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.”
- I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. “Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.”
- I wish that I had let myself be happier. “This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.” I hope that we all have the courage to imagine ourselves lying on our deathbed and looking back at our lives. What thoughts of feelings would be aroused? If you were to write your obituary as you would like it written, what would you have to change about your life to make it come true?
